


Signed, Kate.

by starslupin



Series: Starlit veins [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Depression, Eating Disorder, F/F, Lesbian Character, Self Harm, Suicide, Swearing, calories, goodbye letter, honestly this is so fucked up, mentions of sinning, prose, sort of, thinking that homosexuality is a sin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-30
Updated: 2015-12-30
Packaged: 2018-05-10 12:33:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5585491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starslupin/pseuds/starslupin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>"At breakfast, you ate cornflakes and I watched you eat bite by bite by bite. Saw you consume 292. Even when you were there, the calculator wouldn't stop. <strike>Your arms were home and your heart the warmest place of all.</strike>"</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Signed, Kate.

~~Sweetheart,~~ ~~Love,~~

May,

 

pain is part of being human. Pain is the basis of everything in this world.

Pain is there from the moment we are born until the moment they lower our body into the ground and there is nothing we can do to stop it. Fuck, god knows I've tried. I've tried so often. It's there when you wake up and there when you go to bed. It's there, it's there, it's always fucking there. Every breath feels like drowning.

~~Except when you were there, because you made the whole world just a little bit easier to carry.~~

I was _done_.

I'm sorry. The calculator kept running and running and it wouldn't stop. Won't ever, stop. Even when you were there, I saw you eating a blueberry muffin and could not see the food. It's 313, with 92 in milk.

At breakfast, you ate cornflakes and I watched you eat bite by bite by bite. Saw you consume 292. Even when you were there, the calculator wouldn't stop. ~~Your arms were home and your heart the warmest place of all.~~ I wish that you'd found a way - that I'd found a way - to take the batteries out.

Except, less permanent than this. Perhaps. This is, premanent that this. If I succeed, if I'm not stupid enough to fuck this up as well. I know me. I will fuck this up. I fuck up everything. Except you, I never seemed to fuck you up; not the way everything seemed to crumble. You never crumbled under the press of my hands and the weight of my mistakes.

You never ran when I knocked on your door feeling numb and dead nor did you when you woke up with me crying under the shower with blood running down my arms and body because I was bad and I needed to be punished. I needed to purity myself.

Needed to cut out my sins and let it all go.

Girls are supposed to eat. Girls are not supposed to fall in love with other girls. Girls are not supposed to let the monster in, but I did it anyway and I enjoyed it. Enjoyed it all as it tore at my body and limbs. The doctor told me that my starvation was tearing  _literally eating_ at my heart and all I could think was that I'd finally die.

 ~~_Purify me._~~ But May, if our love was supposed to be a sin then why did it sometimes feel like walking into my own heaven.

Love is never a sin. Cannot be. If  _anything_ is pure it is love. 

 

I know seeing me hurt. Hearing me binge and cry and puke was like a knife tearing at your heart. My abcence will be, maybe. Knowing that it was to you was like a knife scoring my ribs and letting blood seep out. Blood like anger and envy and depression. It ran and ran and stole my energy and my willpower. Those nights I was nothing but a whining toddler that clung onto their mother. ~~That mother was you and I was the dependant little brat~~.

May, my blood was poison. I was poison.

and fuck, I hope you have an antidote.

 

Kate


End file.
